Breaking Dawn and Beyond: The Parody
by Annie Cullen xx
Summary: *RENAMED* You liked my other parodies. Well, this parody is even funnier! Starting with Breaking Dawn, and leading onto what happens after, with the help a few familiar authors... *UPDATE, WORLD CUP CHAPTER!*
1. Chapter 1 Tru Blood

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think! **

**Italics are thoughts :P**

* * *

Edward: So yeah, Vampires and shit, s'all good.

Bella: What the hell? Hey, your supposed to be on your stag night.

Edward: (Lost look)

Bella: You know, strippers, sleeping with a random stranger and getting herpes (in head) _If you can_, getting drunk, even though you can't _drink _anything...

Edward: Oh, um... nope, no stag party (in head) _that I know of, if Emmett and Jasper even dare..._

Bella: How do vampire's get drunk anyway? Is it a kind of alcoholic blood you can get? Can you even_ get_ drunk?

AnnieCullen: Vampires drink Tru Blood!

Bella: What the hell is that?

AnnieCullen: It's synhetic Blood, duh!

Edward: I... um... I actually don't know what Tru Blood is... anyway, who are you, not Bella person?

AnnieCullen: Bye! (Disappears)

Bella: Anyway... Try now. (Gets vodka out) _From all those lonely nights when he left (sigh)_ you_ were my boyfriend, Mr. Vodka. _(Strokes bottle)

Edward: I- (Gets hit on head with a brick) OW! What the frick!?

Emmett: (From outside) Sparkle boy! Come on, stag party!

Edward: Oh god. Should'a known not to leave them a note saying 'I don't want a stag party'.

Bella: Go on. You can go, but if you get pissed, tell me how you did it so when I'm a vampire I can do it, OK? _(Shudders) Ooh sweet sweet Malibu._

Edward: O...K.

Bella: Bye boyfriend/Fiance/Vampire _(Shudders AGAIN!) Mmm, gorgeous Watermelon Barcardi Breezers._

Edward: Just incase (Takes bottle_s_)

Bella: (Whiney) Eddie-kins!

Edward: Bella, you might run off with Jacob again.

Bella: You talk like that's a bad thing (Scoffs) _Ooh sexy gorgeous wolf fur, I could just do him right now! _It's a good job you can't read my mind, Edward.

----

Location: Cullen House (wedding day)

Alice: Dum dum de dum, dum dum de dum...

Bella: (Expressionless) Please stop that.

Alice: (Louder) Dum dum de dum, dum dum de dum

Bella: That's it! Alice, You're fired from being my maid of honor!

Alice: But... I never was you maid of honor to begin with.

Bella: Oh... Alice, will you be my maid of honor?

Alice: YES! OH MY GOD YES! THIS IS THE HA-

Bella: Alice, _now_ you're fired from being my maid of honor!

Alice: Now that's just plain rude.

----

Location: Wedding Reception

Mike: (In Head) _Pfft! I hate weddings... so what am I doing here? Oh yeah. Poisen the curry so Cullen dies and I-_

Jessica: Mike, your not thinking about poisening the curry again are you?

Mike: (Innocent face) No.

Jessica: Good. (In head) _Stupid blonde moron, pfft._

Bella: This is the bestest romantisest day of my life! Ahh! (Falls)

Edward: That's great Bella, but, with _your_ lack of intelligance, let me do the speaking in this relationship, OK?

Bella: _Lack_ of intelligance? Excuse me, who saved you from being Volturi nom-noms?

Edward: You.

Bella: And who listened to the dumb ho, Rosalie?

Rosalie: HEY! I'M NO HO!

Bella: (Dumb voice) Hehe, No Ho.

Rosalie: (Scoffs) You married a moron! Come on, Emmett.

Emmett: But Mike has-

Rosalie: NOW!

Bella: Anyway... where were we?

Edward: You were... talking about McDonalds. (In head) _Good save, Eddie-kins... oh shit, that damn nickname. Note to self - kill Alice slowly with her straightners._

Bella: Right, so I was eating the Happy Meal and they forgot the toy! _Forgot_ the toy!

Edward: Why did I marry you, again?

AnnieCullen: (Whispers) You didn't.

Edward: Shut up, I'm not a clone from Star Wars! Anyway, I don't remember you being on the guest list.

AnnieCullen: That's my cue to vamoosh! (Vanishes and reappears) I'll be back later (Vanishes).

----

Location: Isle Esme

Bella: Sex now?

Edward: You've been drinking again, haven't you?

Bella: I want Sex! SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX! (Deep Voice) Give me SEX!

Edward: (Lost look)

Bella: Pleeease?

Edward: (Sigh) Very well, you _did_ say please. I'll get your b-

Bella: (Grabs bag and runs) Meet you in the ocean-lake thing over there. (Arrives in bedroom) Mua ha ha ha. Sexy Lingerie... Ooh lacey.

AnnieCullen: (Appears with hands over eyes) Your meant to be naked.

Bella: Arrgh! Get out of my room!

AnnieCullen: No arguments there! I'll go see Edward get un-dressed and hide in the bushes (Disappears) (In distance) Ooh yes!

Bella: (Trying to walk sexily to the beach, but just looks like an idiot) Eeedwaaard!

Edward: (Panicy) Bella, you won't believe what happened, I had someone watching me undress in the bushes and-

Bella: (Again, trying to speak with a sexy voice, and again, sounding like an idiot) Shh, don't speak.

----

Location: Bedroom (I think)

Bella: Mmm, great sex, it was great sex, wasn't it?

Edward: (Nervously) Mm-hmm

Bella: I'm officially not a virgin now! Yippee!

Edward: I'm a monster.

Bella: In bed?

Edward: No. Look at your body.

Bella: (Gasp) Bruises! No wait... yes, they were from when I fell over last week.

Edward: No, those bruises!

Bella: (Looks down and sees Bruises shaped like an 'E')

AnnieCullen: You should be more careful.

Edward: You're making me feel bad!

AnnieCullen: Sorry. (Disappears)

----

Location: Bathroom

Bella: Day four of throwing up diary. That's pretty much i- (Throws up)

AnnieCullen: (Throws leaflet at Bella)

Bella: OW! What the he- (Throws up)

AnnieCullen: Ew. Anyway, read the leaflet.

Bella: Why? I can't exactly have read whilst throwing up.

AnnieCullen: Just do it.

Bella: (Reads title) Why did you give me a leaflet about pregnancy?

AnnieCullen: (Obvious look)

Bella: Oh.

AnnieCullen: Well...

Bella: No, thanks. I think I'd know if I was pregnant.

AnnieCullen: Do the words 'Lack of Intelligance' ring a bell?

Bella: (Shakes head)

AnnieCullen: Aye Aye Aye! (Disappears)


	2. Chapter 2 Carlisle States the Obvious

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think! **

**Like? **

* * *

Location: La Push

Jacob: What I miss, since I'd pissed off to god knows where to sulk because I'm jealous of my best friend's fiancee?

Sam: Um... Bella went on her honeymoon.

Jacob: I know, I was at the Wedding, and I made Bella cry.

AnnieCullen: You know what... I really have nothing to say to that.

Jacob: Why?

AnnieCullen: Because I hate you both.

Leah: (From behind a bush) I hate them both, too.

AnnieCullen: Leah, I see no 'Team Leah' t-shirts anywhere, so go away.

Jacob: Back to the real converstation, what did I miss?

Sam: Bella returned. And Charlie said that she was 'Ill'.

Jacob: (Breaks down crying) I was too late! She's a vampire and I'll never marry her!

AnnieCullen: You stupid morons, she isn't a vampire yet.

Sam and Jacob: You know something.

AnnieCullen: I do, indeed.

Jacob: Can we please know?

Sam: You'd make a crap Alpha, you need to be more forceful.

Jacob: I don't hit girls, Sam, even if they are... wearing a Team Edward shirt.

Sam: No! I mean like this (Holds up RPattz photo)

AnnieCullen: (Eyes widen) Oh my... (Drools)

Sam: Now tell us the secret.

AnnieCullen: She...she...is....

Sam: Yes?

AnnieCullen: (Slaps Sam and disappears)

Jacob: Forceful, Sam?

Sam: Shut up.

----

Location: Cullen House.

Edward: (Emo face)

AnnieCullen: (Appears) Hi Everyone!

Edward: (Emo-er Face)

AnnieCullen: Oh cheer up, if it helps- (Takes off jacket and reveals Team Edward shirt)- huh, huh?

Edward: Meh. Bella has one.

Bella: Yes I do.

AnnieCullen: Shush Mary-Sue.

Jasper: Um... her name is Bella.

AnnieCullen: (Sighs) A Mary-Sue is what we people of the FanFiction world call characters that are described way too much. For example-

Edward: OK we get it. (Emo Face)

Bella: So who's this Mary-Sue?

AnnieCullen: (Disappears)

Carlisle: (Runs in) I've got it! Bella's pregnant!

Rosalie: _Reeeally_, Carlisle?!

Carlisle: (Throws paper everywhere) Alice!

Alice: Don't look at me, just because I can see the future you automatically assume it's me that told?!

Everyone: Uh... Yeah.

Alice: That hurts.

AnnieCullen: (Appears) How dare you upset Alice, the best Character Twilight... or Stephanie Meyer created!

Alice: I'm not a character.

AnnieCullen: I'm defending you, aren't I?

Alice: Sorry but... WAIT! I'm 109, I can defend myself! (Has Vision) Oh wait... no I can't, continue.

AnnieCullen: Thank-you... (Sits down)

Alice: Defend me, then.

AnnieCullen: I have nothing left to say. Anyway, Jacob's going to be coming soon. (Dog Bark) Oh, here he is.

Jacob: (Runs in) Wassup!? (Sees AnnieCullen) Oh god. Not you again.

AnnieCullen:Yes, me again.

Jasper: How did you even get here? We keep the door locked in case Buffy comes.

AnnieCullen: I got in... through my keyboard. (Holds up Keyboard)

Jasper: O...K

AnnieCullen: How did Jacob get in then?

Jacob: Uh, door was open. Said 'Come on in if your not Buffy'.

----

Location: Bella's Womb

Renesmee: Nom nom nom nom. My Mother's skin tastes Lovely. I love her voice. She's pretty. (Touches Womb Wall)

Bella: (Outside Womb, Obviously) Oh my god!

Edward: What! I'll get you demon baby!

Bella: No, I can see... ew!

Edward: What?

Bella: I can see... EJ chewing on my womb.

Renesmee: (In Womb) I'm a girl! I'M FREAKIN' FEMALE! (Smashes Ribs in anger)

Bella: (Ribs Crack) Oh. OW!

Edward: Naughty Demon Baby.

Jacob: Fix her Ribs!

AnnieCullen: Leave her Ribs!

Jacob: FIX!

AnnieCullen: LEAVE!

Alice: I'll sort this! (Has vision, but look constipated) We fix it.

Jacob: HA!

AnnieCullen: (Gets Breaking Dawn out)

Jacob: A Book?

AnnieCullen: Just checking off what's happened... Ribs... now its just the Pelvis and... oh...

Jacob: Oh?

Bella and Edward: Oh??

AnnieCullen: (Grins) I can't tell you. (Disappears)

Bella: After her, Edward.

Edward: I can only read minds! I can't freakin' do a magic act, too.

Alice: She'll be back.

Carlisle: See! It was her, you told them!

Alice: Drop it Carlisle, we all knew anyway.

Esme: Come on Carlisle, I'll get you some of that synthetic blood you like.

AnnieCulen: (Appears) Tru Blood?

Edward: RAWR!

AnnieCullen: Eeep! (Disappears)

Edward: (Falls out of window)

Jacob: Yes!

Edward: (From outside) I'm not dead, mongral.

Jacob: Damn! (Throws away wedding planner)

* * *

**Lolololololololol! Maybe I'll include a few True Blood Characters in the next chapter... undecided. Remember, any ideas, feel free to tell me. **

**Love :)**

**Review, maybe?**


	3. Chapter 3 Sparkles and Fangs

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**# = Singing**

**By the way, I'm Team Edward, Eric and Alice. **

**Like? **

* * *

Location: Bon Temps

Alice: (Scratching head) Now why am I here? (Turns to Gucci bag) Gucci, I don't think we're in Forks, anymore.

AnnieCullen: Hunting. Alice, you're hunting.

Alice: Oh yes.

Dog (Sam Merlotte): Woof!

Alice: Oh. Food! Nom.

Dog (Sam Merlotte): (Turns into human) Another Vamp? Aw Jesus.

Alice: AHHH, YOUR NAKED!

AnnieCullen: Ohh. No, no. Where's my Eric? Is that Bill Compton in a tree?

Bill: Sookie, Sookie, Sookie.

Sookie: Stop saying ma' name, Bill.

Eric: (Glides in all Hot and Gorgeous) Hello. I'm hot Eric.

AnnieCullen: YEY!

Eric: Are you human?

AnnieCullen: #Or are we Dancers#... sorry, yes I am indeed.

Eric: Can I suck your blood?

AnnieCullen: Oh yes you c- (Edward drags her back to Forks)

----

Location: Forks

AnnieCullen: EDWARD! Your hot and all, but please! I have a life outside Twilight.

Edward: They arn't real Vampires.

Eric: Yes we are.

Edward: How the f-

Eric: (Launches at Edward)

AnnieCullen: Ooh... two hot Vampires fighting!

Edward and Eric: HE ISN'T A VAMPIRE. (Turns to each other) SHUT UP, YOU! (Big Vampire Fight)

AnnieCullen: Wow. Sparkles and Fangs everywhere, what a mess.

Edward and Eric: Rawr.

AnnieCullen: #Everybody loves Vampire fighting.... it's because they're as fast as lightning#

Eric: Ahhh (Vanishes)

AnnieCullen: No! Edward what did you do?

Edward: Nothing, we weren't even fighting, we were playing cards and I was winning.

AnnieCullen: You could of let him win! My poor Eric! (Crys)

Edward: It's OK, I thought you were Team Edward?

AnnieCullen: I _was_. (Crosses arms)

Edward: Was? You're not Team Jacob, are you. If you are, I will have to kill you, you know.

AnnieCullen: I'd rather die than be Team Jacob. I'm Team Alice.

Edward: Aw, that's even worse.

Alice: Ha!

AnnieCullen: You know what? Edward's been tortured enough, I'm back to being both Teams.

----

Location: Cullen House.

Bella: Wow. All my Ribs are broken. What are the chances?

Esme: Aw. My poor daughter.

AnnieCullen: Esme, you should know this more than anyone, she technically isn't your daughter.

Bella: Who died and made you god? She can be my mother if she wants to. Better than Renee.

AnnieCullen: Ouch, Bella. For a McPreggo lady, you're harsh.

Edward: Hi hi.

Jacob: Oh, you are alive, and it wasn't just your ghost.

AnnieCullen: Don't talk about ghosts! Have you seen Paranormal Activity. (Shudders)

Jacob: Uh... no.

Rosalie: I think you'll find it was a demon, not a ghost.

AnnieCullen: Ghost, Demon, same thing.

Rosalie: How are they?

AnnieCullen: For starters, you can't see either of them.

Bella: Hello! Dying Pregnant girl here!

TBC: Your not a girl. You're a freakin' guy.

AnnieCullen: Elizabeth, you're in the next chapter. Leave!

TBC: Ok (Disappears)

Jasper: How many of there are you?

AnnieCullen: A lot.

Carlisle: (Runs in) Bella, the fetus will kill you!

AnnieCullen: Haha, fetus.

Rosalie: It's a baby, fools.

Edward: Carlisle, we've kind of established the whole 'Killer Demon Baby' thing, so go drink your Tr- your Tr-

AnnieCullen: Say it. Go on.

Edward: Your Tru Blood.

AnnieCullen: YES!

Carlisle: OK... bye everyone.

Everyone: Bye.

AnnieCullen: My god, you guys are boring. In the book, you seem so cool.

Alice: Boring? We, the Cullens, boring? How could you say that? I'd understand if we were human, but come in!

AnnieCullen: (Sits on floor reading Breaking Dawn) Right about now... you're meant to...

Edward: What? WHAT DO WE DO?!

Jacob: Yeah, don't tell them.

AnnieCullen: I do the exact opposite of what this bee-atch says, so... Bella... you drink blood.

Bella: I'm not a vampire yet.

AnnieCullen: Duh! What is growing inside of you?

Bella: A baby.

AnnieCullen: What is your husband?

Bella: A man?

AnnieCullen: A VAMPIRE, ARE YOU AN IDIOT?!

Bella: Sorry, geez.

AnnieCullen: Anyway, before I was interrupted by an idiot-

Bella: I didn't interrupt you.

AnnieCullen: YOU JUST DID!

Bella: Sorry.

AnnieCullen: So to conclude... your fetus... hehe, I love saying that... is half vampire, meaning it needs blood!

Bella: Oh. Ok.

AnnieCullen: Faint, then.

Bella: Na, I'd rather not. I might injure EJ.

Renesmee: (Inside Womb) I'M FEMALE! (Breaks Pelvis)

Bella: Ouch.

AnnieCullen: Karma, Bella. It's called Karma. Don't mess with the Parody writer, because I can do that... and this.

Bella: (Rib Breaks) OW!

* * *

**TBC stands for x-tobecontinued-x, who is Elizabeth, who is my beta on my other account. :) Ask me if you want to be in it. Do my new poll!**

**Love ACxx :)**


	4. Chapter 4 Dr Prince Charming

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**TBC- x-tobecontinued-x (Elizabeth  
TD- Xx-TallDwarf-xX (Sammy) **

* * *

Location: Hospital.

Carlisle: OK. If I was Bella... what blood would I prefer? I'll try O-Negative.

J.D: Would you like any help, Dr Cullen?

Carlisle: Could you get me the key for the Blood Bank closet, J.D?

J.D: Sure. (In Head) _As I was getting the key for Dr Cullen, I wondered how he got here so quickly, since he called five minutes ago... _(Imagines Carlisle riding in on a Unicorn) You could be Dr Prince Charming...

Carlisle: J.D, the key.

J.D: Oh, yeah. (Unlocks door)

Carlisle: Thank you. (Collects blood) Hmm, I might get myself some Tru Blood.

AnnieCullen: Don't be shy, Suzie... just say H-

Sakeaoi: Shy? Why the hell would I be shy?!

AnnieCullen: You're right... go on.

Sakeaoi: Yey! Carlisle...

----

Location: Cullen House.

Carlisle: (Runs in) I come baring Blood!

Bella: Yum and Ew!

AnnieCullen: Normal humans would say 'I come baring Alcohol'.

Edward: And?

AnnieCullen: I'm just saying.

Edward: Why are you here? Is it your job to annoy us?

Alice: Did Aro send you? (Laughs) Of course he hasn't, I would of seen it!

AnnieCullen: I annoy you? And no, it's not my job, I chose to come here because I can.

Edward: Yes, you annoy us. And don't come here again.

AnnieCullen: Since you put it that way... no, I'm staying.

Bella: Ouch, the baby is kicking.

Rosalie: Can we name it?

Bella: EJ, duh! (Rib Breaks) Isn't it odd that everytime I say that a Rib breaks?

AnnieCullen: Not really, _I'd_ feel pretty offended if I was a girl being mistaken for a guy.

Rosalie: Speaking of Genders, it might be a girl.

Bella: OK... Ruh-nez-may... Renesmee?

Rosalie: I love it!

AnnieCullen: I prefer Renes-_tard_... but Renesmee goes perfectly because it's stupid and annoying like the person it goes with.

Bella: (Rib Breaks) OW!

Edward: You're causing this to happen!

AnnieCullen: I know.

Edward: Well stop it.

AnnieCullen: Nope. I'm having way too much fun.

Edward: I'll... I'll bite you!

AnnieCullen: In the Twilight world, that would be considered a good thing, unless you're Team Jacob where it would be considered a bad thing, so bite away.

Edward: Oh. Can you be Team Jacob?

AnnieCullen: My dear Edward, that would mean changing all my usernames to AnnieBlack, and buying Team Jacob shirts. That takes up time and I don't have the money for it.. so I'm sticking to Team Edward.

Edward: Oh... what if I gave you money?

Bella: Edward! I thought you never bribed people?

Edward: She deduced me to it. She deduced me to a nervous wreck!

AnnieCullen: (Disappears)

----

Location: A Park

Jacob: So I'm here, in a park, waiting to imprint... man imprinting is boring!

AnnieCullen: I'll make things more interesting... (Turns on 'She Wolf' by Shakira)

Jacob: Man, you are such a bitch.

AnnieCullen: I think you'll find the only bitch around here is you.

Jacob: Ouch.

Lizzie: Hi. I like your car... THIEF!

AnnieCullen: I like her.

Jacob: Hi... I'm-

AnnieCullen: Annoying.

Jacob: (To AnnieCullen) Shut up. I'm Jacob Black.

Lizzie: I'm Lizzie.

TBC: (Runs in) I think you'll find the only Elizabeth in this story is me!

Lizzie: Oh... I'll go then. Bye Jacob... THEIF! (Runs away)

Jacob: What? You... I... she!

AnnieCullen: Maybe you should go back to Bella... she might be dead.

Jacob: You're right!

----

Location: Cullen House

Jacob: (Runs in) Bella, are you dead?!

Bella: Nope.

Jacob: Phew.

AnnieCullen: Damn.

Bella: Can I stand up?

AnnieCullen: Yes (Gets out Breaking Dawn and reads it)

Bella: Damn it, I kicked the blood over-

AnnieCullen: And now you spew up a whole lotta blood...

Bella: (Spews up a whole lotta blood)

Edward: OH MY GOD!

Jasper: Mmm... Bloooood....

AnnieCullen: I'll just sit here...

Edward: Finally something useful.

AnnieCullen: Sit here and Laugh! Hehe!

Bella: GET EJ OUT!

Renesmee: (Still in Womb) Thats it! (Breaks Spine)

Edward and Jacob: Bella, don't go into the light...

----

Location: Cullen House (2 Days later)

Bella: I'm awake!

AnnieCullen: Oh joy. We were having so much fun, too.

Edward: Wow... you look hot.

Bella: Thank-you... Edward?

Edward: Yes?

Bella: Sex?

Edward: Later, we need to hunt now.

Alice: Wait! Look in this mirror.

AnnieCullen: I wouldn't Bella, you might smash it.

Bella: (Looks in mirror) Stranger... vampire... red eyes... OH MY GOD!

AnnieCullen: (Throws rock at mirror) Oops, Bella you smashed the mirror with your utter ugliness.

Emmett: That was you. Now you have 7 years bad luck.

AnnieCullen: No I don't. It's my Parody, so nothing bad happens to me.

Everyone: (Looks up)

AnnieCullen: Edward's piano is there. And I did mean it when I said that nothing bad can happen to me.

----

Location: Living room of the Cullen House.

Rosalie: Renesmee... sleeeep.

Renesmee: (In head) _Told them I was a girl... stupid immortals._

Jacob: I hope Bella's alive (Looks at Renesmee) No... Not her... please N- Pretty Renesmee.

AnnieCullen: Imprint, huh?

Jacob: Yeah.

AnnieCullen: Badass, especially on a half-breed.

* * *

**Like? Oh, I'll be putting some reviewers in next chapter :)**

**Review, maybe?**

**xx **


	5. Chapter 5 Starstrukk Emmett

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**MLM: Mrs Lola Masen  
DVIM: Demetri Volturi Is Mine  
KOS: Kayelee O'Shea **

* * *

Location: Cullen House.

Bella: OK... we've hunted, can we have sex now?

Edward: Don't you want to see your daughter?

Bella: Oh yeah. Sure.

AnnieCullen: I should warn you, she looks just like you, Bella.

Bella: That's good, isn't it?

AnnieCullen: Not really.

Jasper: No! She's still a newborn!

Emmett: Who, Bella or Renesmee?

AnnieCullen: I can't tell the differance... they're both BUTT fugly.

Jasper: Well... both of them, but I mean Bella.

Bella: Give me my daughter, I won't eat her.

AnnieCullen: I'll just sit here. (Sits on window sill)

MLM: Me too.

DVIM: And me.

KOS: I'll sit over here. (Sits on sofa)

Bella: (Picks up Renesmee)

AnnieCullen: Drumroll, please!

Emmett: That's kinda funny.

Rosalie: Emmett, don't encourage it.

AnnieCullen: _It_? You can hardly talk, honestly Rosalie. No wonder your fiance didn't want you and decided it's best just to rape you instead.

Rosalie: (Gasp) HEY! That's really uncalled for... and how do you know?

AnnieCullen: (Disappears)

Emmett: You never told me you were raped.

Rosalie: HUMAN GIRL... HOW DO YOU VANISH?!

AnnieCullen: (Appears) Grab a keyboard, and type in 'Disappears'. (Disappears)

Rosalie: (Grabs Keyboard) D-I-S-A-P-P-E-A-R... It's not working!

AnnieCullen: Well, you are blonde... but I'm still not helping you.

Rosaie: (Growls) Damn you. Damn you to hell.

Bella: Uh.. hello, my child is touching my face.

Edward: And?

Bella: Is she a fucking mirror? I mean, she's showing me myself. I thought vampires were GORGEOUS?

Edward: Oh... it's her power-thingy. She touches your face and shwos you... stuff. And, vampires are gorgeous, but thats the only memory she ha-

AnnieCullen: And moving on from the memory mumbo-jumbo. Isn't there something you want to tell them, Jakey?

Jacob: (Nervous) Uh... no.

Bella: Rosalie, hold Renesmee.

Jacob: (Whispers to AnnieCullen) I hate you.

Bella: YOU FUCKING PAEDO! YOU PERVERTED LITTLE FREAK!

AnnieCullen: (Grinning) Don't forget Cradle-snatcher.

Bella: OK... CRADLE-SNATCHER! MY BABY, I MEAN... UGH!

Jacob: It's not something I can control!

AnnieCullen: Hehe... Jacob has urges.

Bella: YOU IMPRINTED ON MY DAUGHTER?!

AnnieCullen: Bombshell.

Edward: He-

Alice: -Did-

Jasper and Emmett: -What?

Jacob: I... kind of imprinted on your daughter... big deal.

Bella: WHAT ELSE WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING WITH A CHILD WHO IS 3 DAYS OLD?

Jacob: I... uh...

AnnieCullen: (Mutters) He has pictures of her...

Jacob: I do n-

Bella: (Dives at Jacob)

Seth: No! I'll save you Jake! (Superhero dive)

----

Carlisle: (Healing Powers)

Seth: Ta-da... all better.

Bella: (Melodramatically) Oh Seth... how shall I ever repay thee?

Edward: Oh Bella. You're not dangerous, you are as beautiful the morning sky. Your hair is a fresh as morning air...

AnnieCullen: (Mutters) Mary-Su-ue.

Bella: Aw thank-you Edward... and SHUT UP, YOU!

Alice: You told her, Bella!

AnnieCullen: Sorry, I wasn't listening...

Bella: How could you not hear my singing voice?

AnnieCullen: No, Bella! A singing voice is this: #Tight Jeans, double D's, make a man go woot woot#, your voice is just a voice.

Emmett: I love that song, #I think I should know, how, to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out...#

AnnieCullen: #L-O-V-E just another word I'll never learn to pronouce# (Dances with Emmett)

Rosalie and Edward: Oh dear.

* * *

**Massive Lol's at the last line :)**

**As you can tell, I'm not Bella's biggest fan, not just because of the whole Married-and-made-a-demon thing :)**


	6. Chapter 6 Annoying You Since Always!

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**MLM: Mrs Lola Masen  
DVIM: Demetri Volturi Is Mine  
KOS: Kayelee O'Shea **

**TD: XxTallDwarfxX (Best Mate)  
TBC: x-tobecontinued-x (Best Mate)**

* * *

Location: Somewhere in Forks.

TD: So let me get this straight... this is Forks... with Jacob Black?

AnnieCullen: You bet. Elizabeth, wanna see the Jazz-man?

TBC: (Stares mindlessly at a laptop)

AnnieCullen: Elizabeth!

TBC: Oh... sorry, I wasn't listening, I was on WoW. **(A/N WoW is World of Warcraft) **

AnnieCullen: Do you want to meet Jasper Hale?

TBC: Pfft, duh! I'D GO PALE FOR JASPER HALE!

----

Location: Bella and Edward's cottage

Bella: Oh Edward...

Edward: Oh Bella...

AnnieCullen: In here, there is- AHHH!

Bella: What? (Puts down cards)

AnnieCullen: You make sex noises whilst playing cards? Are all vampires like this, or are you two just strange? No offence Edward.

Edward: None taken.

Bella: For your information, playing cards arrouses us.

AnnieCullen: Aaaand moving on. (Mutters) Geez, our PSHE lessons arn't as bad as this.

TBC: Is Jasper here?

AnnieCullen: Wrong house.

TBC: (Partially opens Bedroom door)

AnnieCullen: I wouldn't do that unless you want to be mentally scared for the rest of your life.

Bella: (From inside bedroom) We're

----

Location: Cullen House

Alice: (Gasp) Oh no! A Vision!

Jasper: What about?

Alice: You... and... a fangirl... OH DEAR GOD, NO!

Jasper: What?

Alice: She has super-hot photos of your face on her phone!

Jasper: My face?

Alice: The vision, it don't lie to me, Jazz.

TBC: (Outside) My Jasper senses are tingling...

Jasper: Oh dear god (Hides in a cupboard) Zee Vision is TRUE!

AnnieCullen: Oh Jasper, Elizabeth won't do anything... much.

Jasper: (In cupboard) I don't care.

AnnieCullen: She wouldn't hurt a fly...

TBC: AHH! (Squishes spider)

AnnieCullen: ... Only spiders.

TBC: Jaaasper.

Emmett: (Points to cupboard)

TBC: Thank-you Emmett. (Opens Cupboard)

Jasper: Damn you Em- AHHHH!

TBC: Jazzy! (Rips off Jacket to reveal 'Team Jasper' shirt)

Jasper: AHH- Wait, I have a 'Team', too?

TBC: Duh! Everyone except Bella and Renesmee.

Alice: Why not?

TD: No-one likes them.

AnnieCullen: (Stops drawing mustaches on Bella photos) I can't stand, not just because she's married to Edward.

Alice: Let me guess, Mary-Sue?

AnnieCullen: Partly.

Bella: (Skips in half dressed) Someone say my name?

Alice: Uh, Bella-

AnnieCullen: You respond to Mary-Sue?

Bella: No... Why is there mustaches on my pictures? AND WHY HAS THE PICTURE OF RENESMEE AND ME HAVE 'ANNOYING YOU SINCE ALWAYS :)' WRITTEN ON IT?

AnnieCullen: Was it written with a Sharpie?

Bella: Um... (Checks photo) Yes.

AnnieCullen: What colour?

Bella: Black.

AnnieCullen: Then it was me.

Bella: Why?

Everyone: Because she can.

AnnieCullen: You guys know me too well, come on Sammy, wanna meet Jacob?

TD: YES!

AnnieCullen: OK, Eliz- Where's Elizabeth?

TBC: (Upstairs) Come on Jasper, please? I promise I won't say it again.

Jasper: (Upstairs) NO!

----

Location: La Push.

TD: Wow... La Push looks just like Whitby, except... rainier, that's genuinely shocking.

AnnieCullen: Does Whitby have a Jacob?

TD: Nope. Where is he?

Jacob: #The Bad Boys, are always catching my eye#

TD: JAKEY!

Jacob: Nessie?

TD: Uh... no.

Jacob: Who are you?

AnnieCullen: This is Sammy, she loves you.

Jacob: (Lost look) Uh... I already imprinted.

TD: (Giggles) I know. I'm here to kill Renes-tard and love you to...pieces.

Jacob: OK, first off it's Renesmee, and second, NO!

AnnieCullen: I think you'll find it's Renes-tard. (Holds up Birth Certificate)

Jacob: She hasn't got one, yet.

AnnieCullen: What do you think this is? The lady thought I was crazy for calling a child Renes-tard, but I told her the real name and she... well... laughed herself to death, literally.

Jacob: (Sees passer by) Renesmee?

Passer-by: (Laughs) Oh my god... stop it... oh my- HA! (Dies)

TD: I thought you made it up?

AnnieCullen: I did. I really did.

Jacob: Oh my god!

* * *

**LMAO! Renes-tard should be her name. I mean... JESUS!**

**Review????**


	7. Chapter 7 Immortal Pointless Child

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

* * *

Location: Forest

Bella: Hunt, Hunt, Hunt. Hop along now, Renesmee.

Irina: (Gasp) A Baby? How?

AnnieCullen: Well, when a man and a woman love each ot-

Irina: You know what I mean... Oh My Carlisle! Immortal child!

AnnieCullen: Nope.

Irina: What, of course it is, I mean-

AnnieCullen: Immortal _pointless _child.

Irina: I stand corrected small human person. The Volturi will love this. (Skips away)

AnnieCullen: You're wel- Hey! I'm not that small, just because I have tall friends!

----

Location: Cullen Hizzle (House, XD)

Alice: (Gasp) A vision!

Jasper: What happened? Anymore Fangirls? (Opens cupboard)

Alice: No... Zee Volturi iz coming!

Jasper: (Hides in cupboard)

AnnieCullen: #All the Ladies tell Fellas we can do what they can do in Broken Heels# Hi Hi.

Alice: Shush. I'm on vision watch... And did someone say something about a broken heel?

Bella: _She _did... anyway... the Volturi?

Alice: Yes... coming... for... her! (Points at Renesmee)

Renesmee: (Gasp) Moi? But I'm too beautiful to die!

AnnieCullen: Aw, just like her mother. Self-centered and annoyingly _VAIN_! And we all prayed that the dominant genes would be Edward's, heartbreak everywhere.

Renesmee: I'm a half-vampire, I will kill you.

AnnieCullen: Oh yeah? I have a keyboard and the author of this Parody, I will delete you.

Renesmee: (Snarls)

AnnieCullen: (Finger hovers over delete button)

Bella: Delete my daughter, you delete me too.

AnnieCullen: Ohh, double the enjoyment.

Renesmee and Bella: Fine. We give up.

AnnieCullen: Aw Come on!

----

Location: Cullen's Living Room

Jacob: (Skips in) Charlie's coming.

Bella: What?

Jacob: Oh. And I phased in front of him.

Edward: What?

AnnieCullen: (Shouting) CHARLIE'S COMING AND HE PHASED FOR HIM! (Normal Voice) Why does that last part sound like a porno?

Bella: You could of killed him?

Jacob: But I didn't, otherwise he wouldn't be coming over.

AnnieCullen: (Deep Jacob Voice) Hey Charlie, want me to_ phase_ for ya'?

Jacob: OK Ewww! And second I don't sound like that.

Charlie: Charlie Swan is in the house!

Bella: Eeep!

Renesmee: (Hides behind Bella's hair)

Bella: (Crosses legs 5,000 time) Hi Dad.

Charlie: Do you need the bathroom, Bella?

Bella: No.

AnnieCullen: (Squirts watergun at Bella's crotch) I think someone had a wittle accident, Bewa.

Bella: I hate you.

AnnieCullen: Ew, we have something in common, we hate each other.

Alice: (Appears with red eyes, GLOWING) The jeans... you ruined zem.

AnnieCullen: Tut tut. You should be more careful next time, Bella.

Charlie: I agree.

Bella: You just saw her do that.

Charlie: Did I, did I really, Bella?

Bella: Stop making him do that!

AnnieCullen: Na, it's fun. (Types on keyboard again)

Charlie: You're a stuck up bitch, Bella. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THAT!? (Runs away)

AnnieCullen: This is more fun than Badminton.

Bella: Badminton?

AnnieCullen: You got a problem with that, bee-atch?

Bella: Well I- (AnnieCullen holds up keyboard) Nope.

AnnieCullen: Good. I would have no hesitation challenging any of you to a game. Me and Elizabeth are the masters of doubles.

Mike Newton: Me and Bella will!

TBC: (Hits Mike with Badminton Racket) Leave creep!

Mike Newton: (Like Gollum from _Lord of the Rings_) Precious shall be mine! (Points at Bella)

AnnieCullen: No. You don't want her. I hate to say it but you're better off with Jessica.

Everyone: (Gasp)

AnnieCullen: I know, I know, shocking. But it is in fact true.

Jessica: Am I really that bad?

Everyone: Yes.

TBC: Why don't you two run along, get married and have dumb blonde babies together. (Looks at AnnieCullen)

AnnieCullen: Go on, sing it.

TBC: #She wants to have your babies#

* * *

**I liked tis chapter a lot, considering I nearly deleted Renes-tard. XD**

**Review. And can you read and review 'A Forks Fairytale' please?**

**ACxx**


	8. Chapter 8 Vampire Bitch Fight

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

* * *

Location: Cullen House

Carlisle: So, everyone settled in? Denalis, would you like anything?

Tanya: Tru Blood, please.

Edward: Not you, too!

Tanya: I won't have any if it turns you on, Edward.

Edward: Nope, drink away.

AnnieCullen: (Drags in Eric) Everyone, this is Eric. He is helping you.

Edward: I told you to keep him out of here.

AnnieCullen: You're not my father, how awkward would that be, with all the posters and-

Bella: YOU HAVE POSTERS OF MY HUSBAND?!

AnnieCullen: Yes. Half the female population does.

Edward: GET HIM OUT! (Glares at Eric)

AnnieCullen: YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!

Renesmee: He's my dad, though.

AnnieCullen: No-one was talking to you. (Throws Renesmee out of the window)

Eric: I'm hot and sexy.

Tanya and Kate: He's gorgeous.

Garrett: OK... (Throws Eric out of the window)

Renesmee: (Outside) Why hello.

Bella and Edward: STAY AWAY FROM OUR DAUGHTER, PAEDO!

AnnieCullen: You had no problem with Jacob. Oh my god, why am I saying that? Eric is mine! (Dives out of window)

----

Location: Where the Volturi Come (Rawr!)

Carlisle: Ready, positions!

AnnieCullen: I think Edward and Bella took the Wheelbarrow. HA!

Renesmee: Eww!

Edward: My daughter is too young to-

AnnieCullen: Do you ever wonder what, or _why_ Renes-tard goes to La Push alone?

Edward: I... uh... (Reads Renesmee's mind) Oh My God!

Bella: Renesmee, I've kissed him for godsake!

Renesmee: (Angrily) You. Did. What?

Bella: K-kissed him.

Renesmee: (Attacks Bella)

AnnieCullen: (Sits on a rock)

Edward: This is your parody, make 'em stop! Type 'stop' on your keyboard or something.

AnnieCullen: Um... no. I rather enjoy watching bitch fights, especially Vampire ones.

Edward: They're ripping each other apart, though!

AnnieCullen: Good, good.

Edward: Come on! Please?

AnnieCullen: I quote Janet Jackson, #What have you done for me lately?#

Edward: I, uh... I'll do it myself then. (Pulls Renesmee off Bella)

Renesmee: You slut!

AnnieCullen: Ouch! Good one.

Bella: You boyfriend stealer!

AnnieCullen: Poor effort in a comeback, I would of gone with 'Back-stabbing whore'.

Edward: Bella, she's your daughter!

----

Location: Italy

Aro: Jane, have you been to the bathroom yet? I'm not stopping this time.

Jane: Aro, vampires don't pee.

Aro: You can never be too sure. Caius, do we have the-

Caius: Aro, we have everything.

Aro: You know I can't live without my Tru Blood.

Edward: (In Forks) NOOOO!

Marcus: My god. Did I just hear the defeated cry of a vampire that we are going to kill within the next (Looks at watch) 24 hours?

Jane: Yeah. I'll go get Dem-

Demetri: (Runs in) Make her stop!

DVIM: (Runs in) Come on D., please let me hug you!

Jane: Demetri, you're a vampire, kill her.

Demetri: I tried, I really did, but something keeps stopping me.

Aro: Love?

Demetri: It's not a feeling.

AnnieCullen: You can't kill her. It's my Parody so you can't (Disappears)

DVIM: What she said, so D., HUG ME!

Demetri: Aro can we leave now?

Aro: Come on, lets leave!

Demetri: (Dazzles DVIM)

DVIM: Oh...

* * *

**DVIM - Demetri Volturi Is Mine.**

**Review pleaseeeee :)**


	9. Chapter 9 Double Vote

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**And for ****_thatgirlwhoplayscod_, here are the songs (in order if appearance):**

**-Starstrukk by 3OH!3 feat. Katy Perry  
-Bad Boys by Alexandra Burke  
-Broken Heels by Alexandra Burke  
-What Have You Done For Me Lately by Janet Jackson**

**If you want the name of any songs I use, please give me a shout. :) **

* * *

Location: Meadow

Bella: (Crappiest Fake Cry Ever)

AnnieCullen: Bella, that's cute when a 5-Year old does it, you're 18!

Renesmee: I'm a 5-Year old, well, physically.

AnnieCullen: Yeah, but you're not cute.

Bella: But Alice has gone.

AnnieCullen: You don't see me crying, and she was the best character ever.

TBC: (Real crying) J-Jasper's g-g-gone! THE WORLD HAS ENDED!

AnnieCullen: (Whispers) Elizabeth, they come back, remember.

Edward: They what now?

TBC: Oh yeah. Um, nothing Eddie-kins.

Jane: #We're going in for the kill!#

Carlisle: AHH, EVERYONE HIDE!

Aro: You were right, Jane, they did hide.

Edward: Actually only Carlisle did. And La Roux pisses me off, Jane.

Carlisle: As you can see, Renesmee is not an immortal child, she will die-

Renesmee: I'm going to die?

Bella: Carlisle!

Marcus: Does such a thing exist? To Google!

Aro: I-

Alice: #I'm beautiful, and dirty dirty rich!# I'm ba-ack.

Bella: ALICE!

AnnieCullen: Took you're time... but HI!

Jasper: We are-

TBC: (Jumps on Jasper's back) I MISSED YOU!

Jasper: Get. Her. Off.

Alice: We have a half vampire here, his name is Nahuel, he's really awesome.

Nahuel: I hate my dad. He's a vamp-whore.

Aro: Good for you.

Marcus: No, Google, I did not mean _Importing Costs,_ I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN! (Smashes Computer)

Aro: Let's vote!

All Volturi: (Write on cards) Done.

Aro: (Looks in box and counts votes) OK, who voted twice?

AnnieCullen: What does it say?

Aro: It says 'Die' Written in red, underlined several times with barbed wire around it and has a coffin next to it that says 'Renes-tard'... Haha, I get that.

AnnieCullen: That's my card then.

Renesmee: Do I die?

Aro: Um... nope.

AnnieCullen: (Starts crying) Why, Why, Why!

Edward: Do you really hate her that much?

AnnieCullen: She ruined everything, like the love you and Bella had.

Bella: So you do like me.

AnnieCullen: I didn't say that. I would have preferred you to die giving birth to her.

Bella: Oh.

Aro: Well, I guess we'll be off then, Caius, get Irina, you know what to do.

Irina: No... NO!

Caius: (Plays Miley Cyrus songs)

Irina: IT BURNS! MY EARS!

Caius: You think thats bad, boys, cover your ears. (Turns on Justin Bieber)

Irina: OH MY GOD (Dies)

----

Location: Cullen house.

Alice: #I gotta feeling, that tonights gonna be a good night#

Jasper: You're wrong.

Alice: No I'm not, they are the lyrics.

Jasper: _I've_ got a feeling... huh, huh?

Alice: No, Jasper that's not funny.

Tanya: We should be going now, Kate left the water running AGAIN.

Emmett: She isn't listening, her and Garrett are playing tonsal tennis.

Tanya: Who's winning?

AnnieCullen: Looks like Kate is.

Garrett: Bye Kate!

(Later)

Alice: #Just Dance, it'll be OK, ba-do do, Just Dance.#

AnnieCullen: Just Dance!

Alice: Yes! OK, your turn.

Bella: Stop playing 'Guess the Song', we have to plot some stuff.

Alice: Bella, the Volturi went ages ago.

Bella: No, we need to get _that _away.

AnnieCullen: I have a name, Bella. And I'm not going anywhere.

----

Location: La Push

TD: Jacob! Oh Jaaacob!

Jacob: (Hides under a Rock)

TD: JACOB! Please come out! I won't bite, I'm not a Vampire lover.

Jacob: Aw. (Comes out)

TD: Can you re-imprint on someone?

Jacob: (Monotone) I'm not imprinting on you. I can't control it-

AnnieCullen: I can! (Makes Jacob imprint on Sammy)

TD: Did you just imprint on me?

Jacob: Yes.

Renesmee: NO! I HATE YOU, YOUR CHEATING ON ME!

AnnieCullen: Nes-tard, cheating on someone is when they actually do something. I made him imprint on Sammy, anyway.

Renesmee: Why?

AnnieCullen: Sammy's my best friend... and I hate you. So, I put two and two together.

Jacob: (Constipation face)

TD: What are you doing? Your house is, like, there.

Jacob: I'm trying to un-imprint on you, and then re-imprint on Renesmee.

Renesmee: Aw.

TD: Can you delete her?

AnnieCullen: Sure. (Presses Delete) Yes I'm sure I want to delete h-

Jacob: No! (Knocks keyboard out of the way)

AnnieCullen and TD: Aw you're no fun.

* * *

**I'm thinking of doing a parody like this, but of random scenarios I've thought up when reading and watching Twilight, and making a full story of it? Should I?**

**Anyway, liked this chapter? REVIEW!**

**ACxx**


	10. Chapter 10 Object Of Desire

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

* * *

Location: Cullen House

AnnieCullen: Guess what.

Edward: What?

AnnieCullen: We have to leave now.

Bella and Renesmee: YES!

Alice: R-r-really?

TBC: Yup. I know, our awesomeness shall be missed.

Bella: No it won't.

AnnieCullen: (Knocks Bella out with Keyboard)

Renesmee: Momma!

AnnieCullen: (Knocks Renesmee out with Keyboard)

Edward: Nessie!

AnnieCullen: (Lifts up Keyboard) Naa, I love you too much.

Esme: To remind yourselves of Forks, take a souvenir from our house.

TD: Can we take your house?

Esme: Uh, no.

TD: But it's pretty.

Esme: No.

----

Location: Alice and Jasper's room

AnnieCullen: (Throws Alice's clothes on the floor) Now, what pair of jeans do I want?

Alice: (Biggest Gasp ever) MY CLOTHES!

AnnieCullen: These! Oh, hi Alice.

Alice: You, I... MY CLOTHES!

AnnieCullen: Relaax, I'll tidy them up.

Alice: RELAX? I- (Jasper calms her)

AnnieCullen: Thanks, Jazz.

Jasper: No problem.

----

Location: Living Room

AnnieCullen: OK, I have my souvenir, lets go... Elizabeth, put Jasper down.

TBC: But Esme said take a souvenir.

AnnieCullen: Yes, but not a _person_!

Esme: An object of your desire.

TBC: Jasper's my object of desire, well... (Winks)

AnnieCullen: Oh My God!

Esme: No, not a person.

TBC: Fine (Kisses Jasper and releases him) Where's Sammy?

TD: I'm here, come on Jakey. (Pulls Jacob, who is in Wolf form on a leash)

Edward: (Dies with laughter)

TBC: Nice touch with the leash.

TD: I know. Sit, Jacob.

Renesmee: Jacob! Let him go, evil tall person!

TD: Nope. I'm older and taller than you.

Jacob: (Phases) LET ME G- Uh oh.

TD: He's naked!

Bella and Edward: Jacob, cover up!

Jacob: I would but I'm on a leash, and I really doubt she's going to release me anytime soon.

TD: He's right.

----

Location: Bella and Edward Cottage (5 Days later)

Bella: We have Forever.

Edward: Yes, we d-

AnnieCullen: I'm ba-ack.

Bella: Oh, Damn.

Edward: Why are you back?

AnnieCullen: Well, nobody worth talking to was on Facebook.

Bella: Couldn't you do anything else? Like, watch a movie?

AnnieCullen: Nope. Why watch Twilight when I have this place?

Bella: Because we would benefit ENORMOUSLY!

Renesmee: I heard shou- (Sees AnnieCullen)- Oh god, the nightmares were true.

AnnieCullen: I'm your worst nightmare?

Bella: We had to take her to therapy.

AnnieCullen: Cool, I turned Renesmee Cullen crazy (Looks evilly at Renesmee) BOO!

Renesmee: AHH!

Edward: _Greeeat. _That's $200 more of Therapy.

AnnieCullen: (Puts on Aro Mask)

Renesmee: (Dies with fear)

Bella: $500.

AnnieCullen: (Miley Cyrus mask)

Renesmee: Miley will save me!

AnnieCullen: I officially hate you even more. (Throws Miley Mask away and burns it)

* * *

**Like? By the way, to understand "_TBC: Jasper's my object of desire, well... (Winks)" You need to have a preeetty dirty mind, like me, Elizabeth and Sammy have. _**

**_Anyhoo, liked it? Review it. :)_**

**_x_**


	11. Chapter 11 JLS Fight

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**AC is still AnnieCullen :)**

**I might change the name of this, it's not really a Breaking Dawn Parody anymore, is it? Any name suggestions?**

* * *

Location: Cullen House

AC: #I like you a lot, lot, I think you're really hot.#

Edward: I'm happy you like me, but please, LEAVE ME ALONE!

AC: I don't want to leave you alone. And no, this doesn't count as stalking you.

Edward: I think you'll find this _is _stalking.

AC: Oh, come on! At least I don't stand outside your house every night screaming your name. And by that, I'm referring to Elizabeth last night, I trust you heard her?

Jasper: She wouldn't shut up.

AC: She doesn't mean any harm, but you didn't lose out on anything, I mean, you don't sleep.

Jasper: True.

TBC: (Skips in)

Jasper: Oh, dear God!

AC: She's here to apologize.

TBC: No I'm not.

Jasper: But, she said you were.

AC: You're right, I lied. But she's here now.

TBC: (Grins at Jasper)

Jasper: She did it again! (Hides in Cupboard)

Alice: Leave him alone, he's only... human? That saying can't work now, can it?

Jasper: (In cupboard) Nope.

AC: Must be hard being a Vampire.

Alice: Must be hard being Human.

AC: Well, #You only get One Shot, so make it count#

TBC: (Dies)

AC: That's a little over the top, Elizabeth. I don't drop dead at the mentioned of Jason Mraz.

TBC: But JLS are not fit.

Edward: I hate to interrupt your little girly argument, but, who are JLS?

AC: Oh, a very fit and gorgeous boy band, they were on X-Factor but came second, and Aston is the hottest.

TBC: (Coughs) Crap. (Coughs)

AC: (Glares at TBC)

----

Location: Cullen House (10 minutes later)

Edward: I really don't see how badminton can solve a problem like if this JLS are hot or not?

Alice: I can tell ya' who wins if you want?

AC: No- (Hits shuttle-cock) -Thanks Alice.

Alice: Fine, (Skips away humming)

TBC: I WIN!

AC: (Mutters) I let you win.

TBC: Course you did.

AC: ... JLS are still hot.

----

Location: La Push

Jacob: (Sigh) I love you Renesmee.

AC: #Jake's a She Wolf down at La Push, yeah...#

Jacob: What the fu-

TBC: #... Careful now, he's raped Nessie!#

Jacob: I haven't raped Nessie!

Edward: You. Did. What. To. My. Daughter?

Jacob: Nothing. I did nothing!

AC: He did, Edward. You should of seen him (Shudders and fake crys) Mentally scared, I am.

TBC: Jacob Black, tut tut.

Jacob: I DID'T RAPE HER!

Edward: Nessie, did he rape you?

Renesmee: No, Dadda. (Annoying cute face)

Jacob: Sure, ask the one year old.

AC: Don't believe her, he did rape her. He violated her, Edward... VIOLATED!

Jacob: I did not violate her.

TBC: Yes you did, Jacob. We were there... here... anyway we saw you do it!

AC: I'm telling Bella.

Jacob: Do not tell Bella.

AC: I'm telling Bellaaa!

Jacob: Don't you fucking dare.

AC and TBC: _We're _telling Bella.

Jacob: _Pleeeease_?

AC: OK, we won't tell Bella. Imprint on Sammy!

Jacob: Whatever to fuck you want... no, wait!

AC: To _laaaate_ (Disappears with TBC)

Jacob: Meep. Um, Nessie, dear...

* * *

**Personally, I liked this chapter most (so far, anyway). The JLS argument is real, me and my beta (also TBC) had it today during badminton. And yes, Michael MycIntyre in there again.**

**Songs in this (in order):**

**- Boys Boy Boys by Lady GaGa  
- One Shot by JLS  
- She Wolf by Shakira**

**REVIEW! ¬.¬ **


	12. Chapter 12 Crappiest Vampire Ever

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**I might change the name of this, it's not really a Breaking Dawn Parody anymore, is it? Any name suggestions?**

* * *

Location: Edward and Bella's cottage

TBC: So, explain it to me again.

AC: For the 152nd time, I'm wearing the long red wig to be Victoria, and you're wearing the blonde wig with the ponytail to be James.

TBC: Why do I have to be the guy, I mean, you are blonde.

AC: They're blonde highlights. And you're the guy because I said so. (Bella walks in)

Bella: Meep! EDWARD!

TBC: Nom, _Bellaaa_.

AC: You need to die Bella, you killed my James.

Bella: But, he's right there.

AC: Shush! _Aaaanyhoo, _I must kill you... with my DELETE button... And no, I'm not a Cyberman.

Bella: OH MY GO- Wait, delete button?

AC: Yes.

Bella: That's a wig, isn't it?

AC: (Gasp) How dare you, my hair is not a wig! I spend forever on my hair! (Strokes hair)

TBC: (Deep man voice) How dare you insult my _Victoria_ like that.

Bella: Hey, you're both smaller than I remember, Victoria, you were pretty tall, now you're... well... small.

AC: (Bursts into tears) I'M NOT SMALL! (Rips Wig off) I FUCKING HATE YOU! (Disappears)

Bella: What did I do?

TBC: (Takes James wig off) You called her small.

Bella: You've called her small, I heard you.

TBC: I was joking, and a best friend can.

AC: (Appears) Bella, I've decided I'm not going to rise to what you said, I'm only going to do this, and I think this is what every Bella-hating girl wants to do.

Bella: And that would be?

AC: (Slaps Bella) That.

Bella: OW! Bitch, that hurt!

TBC: Wow, you are a crappy vampire.

Bella: (Rubs face) Why?

TBC: Vampires aren't meant to feel pain.

Bella: Really? Oh... well... that didn't hurt.

AC: Na, it's too late.

Bella: (Starts crying)

AC: Did we mention Vampires can't cry, either?

Bella: N-no.

AC: It's official.

TBC: Bella Swan/Cullen, you are the worst vampire ever!

Bella: Wha- I'm the- EDWARD! (Runs away)

TBC: Awesomesauce.

AC: We just made Bella Swan cry.

TBC: Talk about life ambitions.

----

Location: Cullen House

Bella: It was horrible, first she slapped me, then she... she...

Edward: What Love?

Bella: She said I was the worst Vampire EVER!

AC: Hey, what's up everyone who's not Bella?

Edward: You made her cry.

AC: She's still crying?

Edward: Yes, she is.

AC: Carlisle, back me up on this. Vampires are not meant to cry, right?

Carlisle: Uh... no, they can't.

AC: Ahh, one step further, they _can't _cry. And Vampires cannot feel pain?

Carlisle: No, they can't.

AC: Case closed.

Edward: Bella, are you crying?

Bella: (Looks up with mascara half way down her face)

Alice: HER FACE IS RUINED!

AC: I think you'll find her face was ruined to begin with.

Bella: What!

AC: I mean, look at her, the fugliest thing ever. I'm surpirsed kids don't get nightmares from it.

Jasper: I hate to burst your bubble, but what does 'Fugly' mean?

AC: Oh, it means Fucking Ugly, I think. That's what I assume it stands for.

Bella: I am not Fugly!

AC: Right.

TBC: (Appears) Hey! S'up.

AC: Hey Elizabeth. L-O-L.

Jasper: My head hurts! What the hell does 'L-O-L' mean?

AC: Laugh Out Loud. Geez Jasper.

TBC: (Rubs Jasper's head)

AC: Get off his head, Elizabeth.

TBC: He said his head hurt, I'm making him feel better.

AC: Point taken, continue.

Jasper: (Shudders)

TBC: (Hums 'You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift)

* * *

**Chappie done. Please, I need names if I'm going to rename this fic. Please tell me if I'm wrong about Fugly, I have heard that it means Fucking Ugly, from Mean Girls, a leg-end of a film. And I made Bella cry!**

**Love ACx**

**REVEIW!**


	13. Chapter 13 Star Trekkin' Rosalie

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**The New Name: Breaking Dawn and Beyond: The Parody**

**And, I know at the beginning I sound like Dr Cox in Scrubs, but I didn't mean to, when I read it back I realized I did.**

* * *

Location: La Push.

Renesmee: (Crying) I... I don't know if I can trust you.

Jacob: Please, please forgive me.

Renesmee: Oh Ja-

AC: Pfft. What a cliche.

Jacob: What? I'm apologizing.

AC: In the style of Romeo and Juliet, _pa-lease._

Renesmee: And you have a problem that because?

AC: Because, and this may sound hypocritical, but Romeo and Juliet is your parents theme! Chose something else.

Renesmee: Or what?

AC: I'll tell SM.

Jacob: (Gasp) Not... SM.

AC: Damn straight I will.

Renesmee: Who's SM?

Jacob: No... don't!

AC: Well, SM is-

Jacob: Ahh! (Runs into his house)

AC: SM is... _god_ to this world.

Renesmee: OK.

AC: And she created your Mom and Dad, and it started out as... now get this- (Whispers) -a dream.

Renesmee: Wow.

AC: I know. But get this as well- (Shouts up to the sky) SHE HAD THE DECENCY TO CREATE A JERK LIKE JACOB BLACK!

SM: (Appears) I had to have Werewolves!

AC: Not that, the fact his character might as well be a rapist, and the fact that the werewolf symptoms are similar to MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS!

SM: Well, so-orry!

AC: And my biggest problem, is why you created such a self centered brat like Renes-tard!

SM: Well I- (Looks at Renesmee) -Now that you mention it, she looks, well, annoying.

AC: That's because you pictured her in your own way, this is how she really looks.

SM: (Disappears)

Renesmee: Where'd she go?

AC: I made her leave, I'm bored with her.

Renesmee: Oh. But she seemed nice.

----

Location: Cullen House

Alice: 5, 6, 7, 8 #We are the Cullen Family, oh-oh-oh#

Rosalie: #We are Vampires that live in Forks, Wash-ing-ton#

AC: What a coincidence, I've just been listening to that.

Alice: We made our own version, you like it?

Rosalie: Why you asking her? Edward said to ignore her.

Alice: I can't ignore her... she won't let me.

Rosalie: Alice.

AC: She's right, I'm the author of this parody, so I can control who does and doesn't ignore, and I can control _you._ (Evil Grin)

Rosalie: Don't you da- (AC presses play on iTunes) #Star Trekking, across the universe, on the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kurk!#

Alice: Wow, do something else, but make her sing again.

AC: Any requests?

Alice: Um... oh (Whispers to AC)

AC: Ah, a personal favorite (Alice whispers again) I was wondering when I was going to do this (Presses play on iTunes)

Rosalie: #I'm an ugly hoe, with dirty blonde hair, sparkly skin, it don't suit me#

Alice: Ooh, awesome.

----

Location: La Push (Again)

Jacob: #I am a freakin' werewolf, oh-oh-oh#

Renesmee: #And I'm the imprint that's a freakin' nutcase#

AC: This is great fun. Endless lyric choices.

TBC: Make them say this- (Whispers)

AC: Ah, OK.

Jacob: Oh ma- #I'm annoying, a Jerk, oh-oh-oh# STOP THAT! I HAVE FEELINGS, PEOPLE WOULD CONSIDER THIS ANIMAL CRUELTY!

AC: Those people haven't met _you_,now dance!

Jacob: (Dances)

* * *

**Incase you're curious, I had a spell on mini disco songs:**

**-Cartoon Heroes (I made it 'Cullen Family' then 'Freakin' Werewolf')  
-Star Trekkin'  
-Barbie Girl (I made it 'Ugly Hoe' for Rosalie, love her really, lol)**

**The best ones are the first two, no, the first one!**

**REVIEW!**


	14. Chapter 14 Alice Wants Blood

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

* * *

Location: Forest

Edward: OK, Renesmee, Momma and I are going to teach you how to hunt.

AC: (In a tree) Oh, this should be fun.

Renesmee: But I can hunt.

Edward: Really?

Renesmee: Yeah. I go to the refriderator, open it and get whatever I fancy.

AC: Dumb little... half vampire.

Bella: No, no. Hunting for animals to eat. As soon as you hit 17, you'll be full vampire, so you need to be prepared.

AC: Pfft! (Jumps off tree) You sound like a Girl Guide.

Bella: What?

AC: I didn't think you'd understand.

Bella: Go on, try me.

AC: Na, don't wanna waste my breath on a bitch like you. (Disappears)

Edward: OK, Renesmee, what can you hear?

Renesmee: Um... music.

Edward: Music?

AC: #Gotta get get, Boom Boom Boom#

Edward: Shut that off, fool.

AC: Fine. (Disappears)

Bella: Renesmee, what can you hear _now_?

Renesmee: Uh... I can hear... Owl City.

Bella: What?

AC: #I'd like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns _sloooowly_#

Edward and Bella: LEAVE!

AC: Fine, fine, I'm going. (Disappears and then re-appears again)

Edward: What now?

AC: I'd never usually request this because I've vowed with myself that I wouldn't be that much of an obsessive fan.

Edward: What do you want?

AC: (Mutters) Bite me.

Edward: What?

AC: (Louder mutter) Bite me.

Edward: WHAT?

AC: (Shouting ) BITE MY FREAKIN' NECK!

Edward: No.

AC: Fine (Disappears)

----

Location: Cullen House.

Edward: You did great Renes-

Alice: (About to bite AC's wrist) What?

Edward: Alice, don't do that!

Alice: Edward, I haven't had human blood in like _for-evaaar_, and she offered.

Edward: Carlisle won't be too happy.

Alice: (Mutters) Screw Carlisle, I want me some blood (Lifts up AC's hand again)

Edward: Alice, put her hand down.

Alice: No.

AC: Yeah, no.

Bella: This doesn't involve you.

AC: It does, it's technically over my blood.

Bella: Sarcastic little (Slaps AC)

AC: (Gasps) How dare you. It's worse than those slapping waiters in hotels.

Edward: What?

AC: Michael McIntyre, a very funny comedian.

Edward: God you're strange.

AC: I've been told.

----

Location: Kitchen of the Cullen House (5 Minutes Later)

AC: Alice, what are you doing?

Alice: Pretending to cook.

AC: Oh. Does everyone in this house do that?

Alice: Yes.

AC: Oh, Ok...

* * *

**Lol, wanted random at the end. I have another Fic idea that I'm going to write now, 'Cullens Theme Park Day'. American people, I'd google Alton Towers and Blackpool Pleasure Beach XD**

**Liked? Review?**


	15. Chapter 15 Cliff Diving Gone Bad

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**The song in this is at the end :) **

* * *

Location: Cliff

Jacob: OK, you cannot tell your Mom about me teaching you to cliff dive.

Renesmee: Sure thing, Jakey.

AC: (Appears leaning against a tree) Ooh, Bella's gonna be _maaad_.

Jacob: No she won't, because she'll never find out.

AC: That's what you think.

Renesmee and Jacob: You wouldn't.

AC: Watch me (Shouts) Oh Be-

Renesmee: (Dives at AC but she disappears) Ahh!

Jacob: No, you can't cliff jump _yet_ (Grabs Renesmee's arm, but is balancing on the edge of the cliff)

AC: Now, an opportunity I've been waiting for... so, I've pimp slapped Bella in the face, should I push Jacob?

Jacob: I vote no!

Renesmee: Me too, because he'll land on me, resulting in my de-

Jacob: I wouldn't say that, she'll push me then.

Renesmee: Right.

AC: If I do, then I'll be hated by Sammy and Teams Jacobs and Team Edward's will bow at my feet like I'm a goddess, but if I don't, I'll be mobbed and murdered by them... STRESSFUL TIMES!

Jacob: Oh, fuck it. (Falls forward)

Renesmee: Jake do-

AC: Now I can't be hated by either, he did it himself! Good Times.

Jacob: (In the sea) Help!

AC: Na, I might go see Edward. (Disappears)

Renesmee: We're screwed.

----

Location: Cullen House.

Bella: I'm worried.

AC: Really? You never seem to show emotion any other time.

Edward: Why are you worried?

Bella: Renesmee's not back yet.

TBC: Aro has her!

Bella: What?

TD: No, no. JACOB RAPED HER!

Bella: WHAT!?

AC: They're lying. Her and Jacob are drowning, nothing _too_ major.

Bella: W-What!?

AC: Jacob took her cliff diving, and they 'fell'.

Edward: Believable.

Bella: We need to save them!

AC: No we don't, you'll have a much happier life without them.

Bella: No we won't! Tell her Edward.

Edward:... well, we uh-- I mean we sort of will--

Bella: EDWARD! THAT'S YOUR DAUGHTER!

AC: Demon Daughter.

Bella: Stop being so horrible to her, she's only a baby!

AC: Daughter of the Devil.

Bella: I SAID STOP!

AC: I wasn't saying it about her, I was saying you slept with the Devil, and made a-- (Grins) DEMON CHILD! (Disappears)

Bella: (Lost Look)

Alice: She's calling you a slut.

Bella: Oh, right... WHAT!

----

Location: Jacob's House

Jacob: Here, take you clothes off and wrap this towel around yourself.

Renesmee: OK. (Takes top off)

AC: (Appears) Hi-- I knew it. Rape.

Jacob: It's not rape, you pushed us off the cliff--

AC: No, I didn't push you, you made yourself fall.

Jacob: Oh yeah...

AC: (Mutters) Cradle Snatcher.

Jacob: Stop it! Edward can read your thoughts.

AC: I kno-- Oh yes he can. (Thinks hard) _Jake raped Renesmee, I caught him, SHE'S NAKED, EDWARD, NAKED!_

Edward: (Appears)

Jacob: What the fu--

Edward: (Monotone) Put your clothes on Renesmee.

Renesmee: Ignore her, Daddy, she's lying, Jake would never do that to me.

Edward: (Reads Jacob's mind)

Jacob: (In head) _Oh crap, he's reading my mind, uh-- La La La La La La..._

Edward: Hm. (Reads AC's mind)

AC: (In Head)_ #I'm obsessed with the mess that's America# Oh, Hi Edward, reading my thought's again, huh? Well let me just say... YOU'RE SO SEXY WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO KILL YOURSELF IN THE SUNLIGHT!_

Edward: What the hell? How did you know that?

Jacob: Know what?

AC: (Disappears)

Edward: She knows too much, she must die!

AC: (Appears) No I mustn't, who would tell you how good looking you are without using 5000 adjectives in the same sentance? (To the sky, where SM lives) Yes, Stephanie I'm talking to you!

Jacob: (Gasp) Don't sho--

SM: How else will everyone know how gorgeous he is?

AC: I knew that he was going to be dazzling the minute I read the book was about Vampires!

SM: (Disappears)

Edward: I suppose you could stay alive.

AC: (Grins) SEXY HEAD! (Disappears)

* * *

**I am in love with the song -- Hollywood by Marina and the Diamonds. I'm not flaming Stephanie Meyer at all, I was reading Twilight today and counted the amount of adjectives she used to describe Edward. There is ALOT, I must say.**

**OK, so, did you find this chapter funny? I certainly did. If you did like it, press REVIEW, that's like saying 'I LOVE YOU' :)**

**Love AC x**


	16. Chapter 16 Facebook

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**If you don't have Facebook you might not get this chapter, but those who do I tried to get it as close to what it is as possible :)**

* * *

Location: The Cottage.

Edward: Renesmee, you're not seeing Jacob again!

AC: (Appears) Ha! I knew it!

Renesmee: B-But Daddy (Puppy Dog Eyes)

AC: Don't fall for it, Eddie. She'll only get off with him again later.

Edward; But-- But her eyes, I mean--

AC: Stay focused.

Renesmee: Daddy.

Edward: I-- Uh... (Runs away)

----

Location: Cullen House

Alice: Edward, get out from under the sink... why do we even have a freakin' sink?!

Edward: (In cupboard under the sink) The pressure, Alice, you don't understand the--

Alice: I know all about pressure! Try having 5 minutes to shop!

Edward: (Pops head out of cupboard) Since when have you had 5 minutes to shop?

Alice: Never, I said it to make you feel better. (Skips away)

Edward: (Shudders)

AC: Tee-Hee, you shuddered like Salad Fingers did when he thought about rusty spoons.

Edward: What the HELL is Salad Fingers?

AC: Don't you have a computer?

Edward: No.

AC: (Sighs) Salad Fingers is like CRACK! And how do you _not_ have a computer?!

Edward: We don't want o--

AC: (Holds a computer) Where shall I set it up? Somewhere private?

Edward: How did yo-- Never mind.

Alice: Set it up over there!

AC: In your closet? Alice, that's stupid.

Alice: You said private.

AC: But putting it in a closet is stupid.

Alice: Fine.

----

Location: A Study that Esme built.

Edward: WHY DID YOU BUY MORE COMPUTERS?!

AC: Because everyone has one now.

Edward: But_ I_ won't use one.

AC: I signed you up to Facebook... I signed you _all_ onto Facebook.

Edward: What in the name of Zach Braff is Facebook?

AC: Sign in and have a look.

Edward: (Signs in) OK, this is-- WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF ME ON THERE?

AC: Uh... it's called _Face_book. You need your _Face _on it.

Alice: Lets all sign in!

----

Location: Cyber-World (Facebook)

Alice Cullen has updated her status: _OMG, Facebook, I have discovered something as addictive as SHOPPING!_

Rosalie Hale and Bella Cullen like this.

Bella Cullen is in a relationship with Edward Cullen

Rosalie Hale is in a relationship with Emmett 'Grizzly' Cullen

Alice Cullen is in a relationship with Jazz Hale

Edward Cullen has updated his status: _I have to admit, this is quite good._

Emmett 'Grizzly' Cullen and Jazz Hale like this.

Jazz Hale replies: _I think it's awesome! Have you seen the pictures of Alice? WOOT WOOT! XD  
Emmett 'Grizzly' Cullen replies: Pfft, you mean Rosalie. :P  
_

Bella Swan has updated her status: _Should Renesmee get Facebook? A whole family :)_

Edward Cullen likes this.

Nessie Cullen and Bella Swan are now friends.  
(6 Similar Stories) 

Annie Smith dislikes this.

Bella Swan replies: _Since when was there a dislike button? :/  
Annie Smith replies: Since now, obviously. I'm the author of this Parody!  
_

Nessie Cullen is in a relationship with Jacob 'Dawg' Black

Annie Smith replies: _Er. It's CRADLE SNATCHING! :O  
Nessie Cullen replies: Shut up. I'm physically 17 so ha!  
Charlie Swan replies: What do you mean physically?  
Annie Cullen replies: She has the mental age of a 2 year old.  
Nessie Cullen _replies: _I can't argue with that, damn it! :(_

* * *

**I spent forever on the Facebook thing, Thank you Elizabeth (my beta) for the idea :) iluu for it.**

**Review?**


	17. Chapter 17 Anti Bella Swan

**Another version of my Breaking Dawn Parody, I re-wrote it because I've thought up some funnier stuff. And flamers that flamed my New Moon one... f'ck you! I don't care what you think!**

**I admit I have a slight addiction to Facebook :)**

**

* * *

**

Location: Cullen House.

AC: _Soooo_, how's the Facebookin' going? Edward?

Edward: (Not blinking at screen)

AC: Uh... Alice?

Alice: (Not blinking at screen)

AC: (Looks at Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie) Uh-Oh. I've made the Cullens Facebook Addicts! (Thunder and Lightning with Dramatic music)

Esme: Not everyone.

AC: Oh thank god Esme.

Esme: We're not making any money, look at Carlisle. He isn't at the hospital! People are dying... DYING I TELL YOU!

Carlisle: (Not blinking at screen)

AC: Oh. Even Carlisle, I'm-- Oh! Look at the bright side, at least Alice is over her shopping addiction, Emmett and Jasper don't gamble much--

Esme: Actually, they're on an application on Facebook where they gamble.

AC: ... They don't_ prank_ anymore! And Edward... Edward he-- I have nothin'.

Bella: (Walks in) Where's Edward?

AC: He's a Facebookin'

Bella: Oh... (Goes to Edward) Edward, Love. It's Bella, you gotta come home.

AC: Let me try something... (Goes to Edward) JACOB'S RAPING NESSIE AGAIN! IT'S VIOLATION!

Edward: (Ignores them)

Bella: Nice going, Miss I-Know-Everything-Because-I-Own-This-Parody!

AC: Shut up, Slag-a-thor.

Esme: And on that note, adios! (Runs away)

Bella: Slag-a-thor? Who you calling Slag-a-thor, Bitch-Face?

AC: _Ooooh_, Bella you _do _have a brain in that over sized head of yours. (Disappears)

----

Location: La Push

TD:... So yeah.

Jacob: Interesting, considering we said nothing just then.

AC: (Appears) I LOVE THIS PLACE!

Jacob: I do admit La Push is a pretty exciting place, but I do--

AC: Not here, _this_ place, Forks, EVERYWHERE!

TD: Oh, w-- What did you do to Bella now?

AC: (Grinning) Called her Slag-a-thor.

TD: Nice one! (High fives AC)

----

Location: Cullen House.

Esme: My God! You have to help them!

AC: Why?

Esme: They're on Twitter now! It's madness I tell you, madness!

AC: Okay, calm down. (Walks over to Edward) Edward? Edward? EDWARD ANTHONY CULLEN?!... Nope, nothing.

Esme: How will you help them?

AC: _Pfft_, it's easy. (Switches main power switch off)

Edward: (Blinks) What the-- What happened? Where am I?

Jasper: (Shakes head) The last thing I remember was that me and Alice were-- we were... yeah. (Nervous Laugh)

AC: I'm not 5, you can say it.

Jasper: (Sighs) We were making wonderful love together!

AC: OK... no need to exaggerate, just a simple 'We were having sexy time' would have done.

Jasper: Okay, we were ha--

AC: Too late Jazz. (Disappears)

----

Location: A Beach.

Edward: (Skin sparkling) How can I compare thee to a summers day?

Bella: (Giggles) Well--

AC: You can't, a Summers day is nicer.

Edward: You ruin everything.

AC: Correction, I ruin Bella's life.

Bella: I bet Jane sent you here, or maybe one of those Anti-Bella groups, I heard Lauren was the leader.

AC: Nope. That's a rumor, I am the leader of the Anti-Bella group. There are many out there, watching you... (X-Files Theme music plays)

Edward: That's creepy.

AC: I like the theme music.

Edward: Not that the fact you have an Anti-Bella group, I mean, _UGGH!_

AC: It's a good job you're hot. I mean on Fa-- (Bella waves hands about)

Bella: (Whispers) Don't mention Facebook.

AC: Don't mention Facebook?

Edward: (Walks away like a Zombie) _Faaaacebooook_.

Bella: Well done. Just perfect, good job I'm the only sane one here!

AC: (Coughs) BullshitBella (Coughs)

Bella: You're such a-- Forget it! (Walks away)

AC: Hehe.

----

Location: Cullen House.

Jasper: This is the 5th shirt this week, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY GOING?

Alice: I don't know!

TBC: Um, I don't know, um, either.

Jasper: (Accusing Glare that's somehow sexy)

TBC: (Dies)

AC: See, your sexiness does that to her.

Jasper: I... I didn't mean to.

TBC: (Wakes up) Jasper, I stole your shirts.

Jasper: Can I have them back?

TBC: Nope.

Jasper: (Dazzle)

TBC: (Dies)

AC: Stop killing her!

Jasper: (Dazzle)

AC: (Dies)

* * *

**No lie, there is an Anti Bella Swan group on Facebook! And yes, Slag-a-thor is from Scrubs :)**

**Review? **


	18. Chapter 18 Emmett's a Chav

A/N: I decided the Cullens have Facebook, they need MSN to talk when one another isn't around!

* * *

Names:

SparkleMeister'10 - Edward

ImaSoGreat - Bella

D...O.G - Jacob

Alice-Is-Awesome - Alice

Sex-Me-Emmett - Rosalie

BearSkillz! - Emmett

ImHotAnyway - Jasper

Cutie-Fruite - Renesmee

FREEHUGS! - Seth

Leave;Me;Alone - Leah

Alpha Dude - Sam

PissyPaul - Paul

ColaPolarBear - AC (Annie)

jimmythepanda - TBC (Elizabeth)

* * *

SparkleMeister'10: ... Wow... I found yet another use for the computer. :/

ImaSoGreat: Isn't it great?! :D

SparkleMeister'10: Not really... I mean, that gives that crazy-ass fangirl another way to harass me.

**_D...O.G has signed in_**

D...O.G: Wazzup my homies?!

SparkleMeister'10: Before this conversation goes any further, what the hell does 'D...O.G' mean?

D...O.G: It means, Dude... Oh Great.

SparkleMeister'10: And what does that mean?

D...O.G: It just sounded great, and incase you didn't notice Smart-ass, it spells DOG.

ImaSoGreat: Well, I happen to like it, Jake. Edward, don't be mean.

_**Alice-Is-Awesome and BearSkillz! has signed in**_

Alice-Is-Awesome: Hiyaaaa!

BearSkillz: Hi... OH FUCK IT...

SparkleMeister'10: ...?

BearSkillz!: Ma chav talk iz ere, mert!

SparkleMeister'10: We must stake him!

Alice-Is-Awesome: I agree :)

ImaSoGreat: Me too.

D...O.G: Oh, when I suggest staking him, you all gang up and try run me off a cliff, but when he suggests it...

SparkleMeister'10: When did you ever suggest staking Emmett for his chavy-ness?

D...O.G: It wasn't for the chav talk, he hid my spare set of clothes for whenever I phase.

Alice-Is-Awesome: And your point is?

D...O.G: I had to walk back to La Push, BUTT naked to get some more clothes... LEAH SAW MY WEDDING VEGETABLES!

ImaSoGreat: One word... FAIL!

D...O.G: Bella! How could you say that?

ImaSoGreat: I just felt like it...

D...O.G: I never want to see you AGAIN!

ImaSoGreat: Um... that would be kinda hard considering my daughter's your imprint.

D...O.G: Damn you, Bella. Damn you to HELL!

_**D...O.G has signed off**_

ImaSoGreat: ... So Edward, fancy cyber-sex?

Alice-Is-Awesome: I AM STILL HERE!

ImaSoGreat: Yeah I know.

Alice-Is-Awesome: In the same room?

ImaSoGreat: Again, I know.

_**Alice-Is-Awesome has signed off**_

* * *

(A few hours later...)

SparkleMeister'10: I seem to be alone... I can live with that... yeah...

ColaPolarBear: Your not alone anymore!

SparkleMeister'10: Oh for the love of...

ColaPolarBear: Lol, you love me really.

SparkleMeister'10: I actually don't, anyway, where's Bella?

ColaPolarBear: She's passed on.

SparkleMeister'10: :'O

ColaPolarBear: Naw, Ima joking.

SparkleMeister'10: That's a euphemism, you know.

ColaPolarBear: Your face is a euphemism. o_O

SparkleMeister'10: :O

ColaPolarBear: Lmao. Just kidding Edward, I say that about everything.

SparkleMeister'10: Odd.

ColaPolarBear: Sos your face!

* * *

Sorry, short, I know. The MSN fun continues a few more chapters.

Review? xx


	19. Chapter 19 World Cup Rivalry Pt 1

AN: 'Kaay in honour of the World Cup, I thought I'd do a chapter on it. Ever wondered what teams each of the Cullens followed? (Whispering) England are going to win.

* * *

Location: Cullen House

* * *

Emmett: (Strained) Eeehh... Oohhh... Ahhh.

AC: Emmett, what are you doing?

Emmett: (Breathlessly) Dragging these ladders so I can put this up (Holds up American flag)

AC: (Appears on the couch) Please tell me you're not supporting USA in the World Cup?

Emmett: Uh... yeah.

AC: They're crap, they _so _won't win.

Emmett: And I suppose your team's much better?

AC: Obviously. England are so going to win.

Alice: I believe you are both wrong. (Rips Jacket off to reveal a Japanese football shirt) Japan will win this kick ass World Cup.

AC: Why Japan?

Alice: Have you seen the clothes they have?

AC: Why yes, but that isn't a valid reason to want them to win.

Alice: Like yours is any better. (Crosses arms)

AC: I am English, therefore I am following my home country. (Long pause) Um... Alice?

Alice: Yes?

AC: Japan suck... they lost against Holland.

Alice: I DON'T CARE! JAPAN ARE AWESOME! (Runs away)

Rosalie: What's wrong with her?

AC: I told her Japan suck.

Rosalie: Oh. (Gasps) Emmett, what is that abomination you're placing on the wall?

Emmett: The American flag, they are obviously going to win.

Rosalie: Take it down, it hurts my eyes.

AC: Who do you think will win?

Rosalie: (Takes shirt off, causing Emmett to fall off the ladder, and puts a Spain shirt on) España!

AC: I can only guess one reason for that one.

Rosalie: The players are delish (Swoons over Torres shirtless)

Emmett: But... but... but... (Stands up) I will hunt down Torres (Storms away rolling his sleeves up)

Edward: (Walks in with Bella) Is he ranting about Torres again?

AC: Yeah. He says he's going to hunt him down.

Edward: He says that all the time, he doesn't have the nerve because he secretly loves him.

AC: Oh. And who are you supporting, please tell me you both have a valid reason?

Bella: Brazil, it was where Renesmee was concieved. (Looks at Edward adoringly)

AC: Must everything with you two relate to sex?

Bella: That reasons valid isn't it? Would you of preferred that's where we both lost our virginity?

AC: No, the first one was fine.

Carlisle: (Walks in)

AC: Carlisle! Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Carlisle: England, of course.

AC: BOO-YAH! (High fives Carlisle) And Esme?

Esme: France.

AC: ...

Esme: It's a beautiful country.

AC: They're crap at football.

Rosalie: Se diría que alrededor de cualquier equipo.

Everyone: WHAT?

AC: She said I'd say that about any team.

Rosalie: (Gasps) ¿Por qué estoy hablando español?

AC: Why are you speaking Spanish? Well it's simple, I felt like it.

Renesmee: (Walks in holding a bear with a Germany shirt on)

AC: (Gasps) Renestard, what is that?

Renesmee: A bear.

AC: No, that on your bear? (Puts an England shirt over it) Much better.

Renesmee: It looked pretty.

AC: Yes but are they good at football?

Everyone: Yes.

AC: Shut up.

Jasper: (Runs in wearing a Mexico shirt)

AC: Oh no.

Jasper: MEXICO WILL WIN!

AC: And pigs will learn to fly.

Jasper: I'm looking forward to the pigs because Mexico will win.

AC: Why are you supporting them? I mean you have no reason to.

Jasper: (Quietly) It was the only shirt left in the store.

Jacob: (Runs in wearing a conjoined South Africa shirt with Seth)

AC: Just when I thought things couldn't get weirder, here come the cramp twins!

Jacob: SOUTH AFRICA...

Seth: ... WILL WIN!

Rosalie: Oh my God.

Jacob: Wait, it gets better. (He and Seth phase)

Everyone: !

AC: You dyed your fur... the colours of the South African flag?

Jacob: (Nods)

AC: My God.

Carlisle: Has anyone seen Emmett by the way?

Rosalie:... OH MY GOD!

...

Location: Port Elizabeth

Torres: (Running onto the pitch)

Emmett: (Runs and punches Torres in the face) THAT'S FOR TURNING ON MY WIFE! THAT IS MY JOB!

...

Location: Italy, The Volturi HQ (Volturi are watching the Italy Vs. New Zealand match)

Aro: ... Pass the damn ba- AW!

Caius: Jesus we suck.

Aro: (Sigh but perks up suddenly) Did you know I knew Capello's Great great great Grandfather?

Marcus: No way!

Aro: Uh-huh, he was an ass, though.

Caius: Man you're cool.

Aro: Oh... oh... DAMN! We drew with them.

Caius: Oh shit...

Aro: What?

Caius: Now we kinda owe the Cullens money.

Aro: What!

Caius: Yeah... sorry.

Aro: How much? (Gets out personalized "Team Aro" check book)

Caius: Um... $56,000

Aro: (Drops check book) We are in deep shit...

* * *

XP How'd you like Part One of my World Cup special? And who do you want to win? ENGLAAAAAND! Review? x


	20. Chapter 20 World Cup Rivalry Pt 2

AN: 'Kaay in honour of the World Cup, I thought I'd do a chapter on it. Ever wondered what teams each of the Cullens followed?

* * *

Location: Cullen House, set** 27/06/2010 **for the England Vs Germany game. (YES I KNOW WE LOST 4-1)

* * *

Renesmee: There, all pretty. (Grins at the German flag on her wall)

Bella: Renesmee dear, what are you doing to your wall?

Renesmee: Hi Mommy, it's the German flag.

Bella: Oh-

AC: (Runs in a rips it down)

Renesmee: (Cries)

AC: THEY BEAT US!

Bella: Really? Ha.

AC: (Calms down) I agree with Rosalie now, Spain will win. Torres equal FINE!

Rosalie: I'll agree with that, sister! (Attempts high five)

AC: Don't touch me. (Shudders) I don't want your slut germs on me.

Rosalie: You're just jealous (Flicks hair but gets ring caught in it)

AC: Fail...

Bella: ... Like England.

AC: THEY TRIED UNLIKE YOUR PATHETIC TEAM!

Bella: If it wasn't for Brazil Renesmee wouldn't exist.

AC: That's why I dislike them... because that child was conceived there...

Edward: (Runs in) HA! HAHAHAHA!

AC: Shut up.

Edward: I saw England win their only World Cup, it was luck.

AC: Oh my God, you did not just say that Edward Anthony Mason Cullen Add-As-Many-Name-As-Possible. You're my idol... no... Ashley Greene is my idol but still, I look up to yo- you know what, scratch that.

Edward: Oh... kaay.

Jasper: (Runs in dry sobbing)

AC: What's wrong?

Jasper: I HATE ARGENTINA, THEY'RE KICKING MEXICO'S INNOCENT ASS!

AC: I know how you feel... YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL THAT WAY, STOP!

Jasper: If I'm sad, so are you (Frowns and starts writing a heart-filled emo entry into his journel)

AC: I don't want to be sad... I-I like being happy.

Alice: Jasper... think of the child!

AC: (Crying) She's miserable anyway.

...

Location: Alaska

Kate: (Sighs moodily) I cannot believe you're watching this crap. (Continues to flick through twilight)

Tanya: The World Cup isn't crap.

Carmen: You're only watching it because Edward Cullen is, I mean before you knew he was watching it you said it was a pile of crap.

Tanya: Shut up, it's good to try new things.

Carmen: And what team are you supporting, Tan?

Tanya: Brazil.

Carmen: Um, Kate dear, what team is the dear Edward Cullen following?

Kate: Well I believe it's also Brazil, my dear Carmen.

Tanya: Shut up, at least I have an interest.

Kate: Yeah, Edward Cullen's ass.

Tanya: SHUT UP KATE!

Kaye and Carmen: #Tanya and Edward sittin' in a tree, doin' somethin' they shouldn't be#

Tanya: (Scowl)

* * *

Sorry for the shortness, I will make it up to you. Promise. Review? x


	21. Chapter 21 Author's Note

_**H****e****Y****y**_

** HOLY EDWARD CULLEN! NOT ONLY AM I UP FOR "BEST TWI-WRITER", _IF WE EVER MEET AGAIN_ IS UP FOR THE "BEST OF THE BEST" CONTEST TOO! I FEEL SO... SO HAPPY!**

**Anyhoo... For Breaking Dawn and Beyond - the Parody, I'm doing a few truth or dare chapters, _sooo_... that involves you guys, please review with your dares and truths, for any of the Cullens or the Wolves. And add personal messages onto the review too, let the characters know how much you love or loathe them, or maybe you just want to say a friendly 'Hi'.**

**Love,**

**Annie x**

**PS: Don't expect to see _TBC_ or _TD _in my parodies AGAIN!**


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